You know the feeling when an intrusive thought (those unwanted, sometimes horrifying thoughts) burst into your mind, and you get a wave of whatttttttt the f is that, and then the spiral starts: Why did I think that? What does that say about me? How do I make it stop?
You’re in the middle of a completely normal moment and then a thought drops into your mind out of nowhere, like a pop-up you didn’t click on and absolutely do not want.
If that’s where you are right now, this post is for you.
If you’re new here, I’m Kate, a mom of two and a therapist who works specifically with moms, and I’ve been supporting people through intrusive thoughts for over a decade.
I’ve also had my own. So when I say I understand why this is so scary, I mean it from both sides of the room.
I’m going to walk you through the specific things that make intrusive thoughts in motherhood worse, and then what to do instead. ANd I promise this is not vague advice. Scroll down for real, specific, this-is-how-your-brain-actually-works support.
One important note before we go further: if you ever feel genuinely at risk of harming yourself or someone else, or you feel aligned with thoughts of harm rather than horrified by them, please reach out for immediate support. A crisis line, your doctor, or emergency services. What we’re talking about here is the anxiety and OCD-style loop where thoughts feel unwanted, terrifying, and completely against your values. That’s a very different situation, and it deserves different support.
Why Intrusive Thoughts Keep Coming Back in Motherhood
Here’s the thing most moms don’t know: intrusive thoughts aren’t kept going by the thought itself.
They’re actually maintained by the relationship you build with the thought, and specifically, what you do in response to it.
Your nervous system is constantly taking notes from your behaviour. So when your response to a thought is “emergency, I must fix this, I must get certainty, I must neutralize this right now,” your brain learns that the thought is dangerous!
And thoughts that get treated like danger signals get more attention, which means they come back more often and usually louder.
Think of the intrusive thought as a fire. What I’m about to walk you through is the gasoline that so many of us are throwing on that dire. These are the responses that feel like they should help, but accidentally tell your brain this thought is a big deal.
And before I name any of them, I want to say this clearly that you are not doing these things because something is wrong with you. You’re doing them because you’re trying to be a good mom. Every single one of these responses makes complete sense in the moment.
Alright, let’s jump in.
What Makes Intrusive Thoughts Worse: The Six Responses That Backfire
1. Rumination, the mental ritual that disguises itself as problem-solving
Rumination is when you try to solve the thought by thinking about it more.
You replay it and analyze it. You do the “what does this mean about me” loop over and over. The goal is certainty. Okay, I’ve proven I’m safe. I’ve proven I’m not a bad mom.
But rumination never actually ends in certainty, does it?? It ends in more doubt.
Anxiety always finds a loophole, and always moves the goalposts. You can ruminate for two hours and your brain will still find a yeah, but what if. Keeping a thought in the spotlight teaches your brain it’s important and unresolved, which is exactly what keeps it coming back.
2. Reassurance-seeking, the “tell me I’m okay” loop
This is when you try to calm yourself by getting someone or something to confirm you’re not terrible.
Asking your partner or texting a friend. Posting anonymously in a forum and refreshing the comments. Or even reassuring yourself internally, repeating I would never, I would never like a mantra until it temporarily sticks.
Reassurance feels like relief. And sometimes it is, for about thirty seconds.
The giveaway that it’s become gasoline is that the relief doesn’t last. Doubt creeps back in, and now you need another hit. That loop, urgent and repetitive and never quite enough, is the problem.
Support is good! I want you to talk to people and let them know how you’re doing and feel so much less alone. But if you have to keep going back for more reassurance, it’s not actually working (it’s just anxiety doing it’s thing).
3. Checking your feelings and your body
For this one, a thought shows up, (like maybe a sexual intrusive thought), and then you start scanning your body like a detective.
Did I feel anything? Was I turned on? Was I disgusted enough? What if my body reacted and that means something?
Here’s what’s true: bodies have sensations. Postpartum bodies are especially unpredictable. And then add things like stress, panic, breastfeeding, exhaustion, all of it creates physical responses that don’t mean what anxiety says they mean.
But when you start checking, you’re feeding the thought with more attention and you’re attributing a lot of meaning to your thoughts. And because you can never feel 100% certain (because that’s literally not possible) you check again. And again. Gasoline.
4. Avoidance, the one that steals your life
Avoidance makes complete sense when you understand what it’s trying to do.
When a thought feels terrifying, your brain’s threat system kicks in and looks for a way to make you safe. And the fastest way to feel safe is to remove yourself from whatever triggered the fear, right?
It’s the same system that makes you flinch when something flies at your face. It’s protective and automatic. It’s your brain doing exactly what brains are designed to do.
The problem is that your brain can’t tell the difference between an actual threat and an intrusive thought. So it responds to both the same way: get out, stay out, don’t go back.
And when that response gets applied to motherhood, it sometimes sounds like:
I can’t be alone with the baby. I can’t do bath time. I can’t use knives. I can’t drive on the highway with the kids in the car.
It can also be subtler than that, lik staying in the same room as your partner whenever you’re with the baby, just in case. Or always having the TV on so your mind doesn’t go quiet.
Avoidance gives immediate relief where basically your nervous system goes: phew, we escaped. But your brain learns: good thing we avoided, that was dangerous. So the thought comes back stronger and then eventually the list of things you need to avoid starts to grow.
5. The research spiral
When something scares you, it makes complete sense to want information, because information feels like control! If you can just understand what’s happening, maybe you can fix it or maybe you can finally feel sure.
So you open your phone.
It might start as one Google search or scrolling through a parenting forum at 2am. Or typing your exact thought into a Reddit thread to see if anyone else has experienced it. Maybe you ask an AI chatbot because it feels less vulnerable than telling a real person (been there!). Maybe you find yourself deep in a TikTok comment section at midnight, reading other moms’ stories.
And for a moment, it totally helps, right? You probably find something reassuring and your nervous system relaxes a bit.
But then your brain goes: but what if that’s not my situation? What if I’m the exception?
So you search again. Each search gives you a few seconds of relief before the doubt creeps back in and the urgency ramps up. You’re not really looking for information anymore. You’re looking for certainty. And certainty is the one thing anxiety will never actually let you have, no matter how much you read.
Research becomes gasoline when it’s repetitive, driven by urgency, and aimed at certainty rather than an actual next step. Genuinely understanding what intrusive thoughts are and why they happen can be really helpful, and that’s what this post is trying to do. But compulsive researching as a way to soothe your nervous system is a ritual. And rituals keep the loop going.
6. Thought suppression, the “don’t think it” trap
This is where you try to white-knuckle your way out of having the intrusive thought but trying to push it down, or cancel it out with a good thought. Some moms talk about doing some kind of internal scrubbing thing, like nope, nope, nope, get out.
And the deeply annoying truth is that brains just don’t work that way. If you treat a thought like it’s forbidden or so terrible the your brain keeps checking for it: are we thinking it now? How about now? Suppression teaches your nervous system that the thought is dangerous and must be eliminated, which makes it scarier and stickier, not less.
Here’s What I Want You to Hear
If you just read that list thinking I do that, and that, and that, I want you to hear this: of course you do!!
Every single one of those responses is a completely understandable reaction to fear. You’re trying to protect your child and protect your sense of yourself as a good mom. And really, you’re trying to feel safe in your own mind.
The problem is that these strategies, over time, train your brain that intrusive thoughts are emergencies.
And that’s what needs to change.
How to Actually Help Yourself When Intrusive Thoughts Hit
The main reason that most moms get stuck in intrusive thought spirals is because their goal is either: I need these thoughts to stop or I need to make sure this isn’t a real risk.
And I completely understand that. But when “make the thought go away” becomes the mission, you end up doing all the things that feel like they should help (that I listed above), and those are exactly the things teaching your brain that the thought is an emergency.
So we have to shift the goal.
The goal isn’t to get rid of the thought, but instead it’s some version of: can the thought show up, and I still keep going? Can I still be a present, capable mom? Can I do the next normal thing even while my nervous system is loud?
So, what does that actually look like?
When an intrusive thought hits, the first thing to practice is just clocking it. Noticing what happened without turning it into a full story about what it means about you.
You practice a small internal move where you just notice and name the fact that you’re having an intrusive thought. Something like: oh, that’s an intrusive thought. It’s just a small little label. You can even be a little sassy about it if that’s your vibe like “thanks, brain. Cool story. The point is to stop treating the thought like it deserves a full response. Because they don’t mean anything bad, and they don’t deserve your attention.
And then, this is the part that is the most important …. you keep living.
You ask yourself: what would I be doing right now if I wasn’t trying to solve this thought? And then you go do that. While anxious. That’s the actual skill.
Not calm first, then action. It’s action while uncomfortable. That’s how your nervous system learns that it can actually be safe even though the thoughts exist.
I know this is a lot to take in, especially if you’ve been doing all the other strategies that I described earlier in this post. This topic is exactly what I go deep on inside The Anxiety Playlists, including how to work through avoidance specifically, and how to build tolerance in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming. If you’re ready to learn more, you can find it here.
What to Say to Yourself When Your Brain Is Loud
Sometimes we just need something to reach for when anxiety spikes, so here are a few statements you can try saying to yourself the next time you notice intrusive thoughts:
When you’re stuck in the mental review spiral: “I’m doing the self-audit thing. I’m not solving this with more thinking. Back to my life.”
When you want to Google or ask for reassurance: “I can tell I want certainty but I’m not doing that right now. I can tolerate not knowing.”
When your brain is screaming “but what if”: “Yep. What if. I’ve handled what’s mine to handle. I’m not putting more into this”
The skill is feeling anxious and still choosing the life you want. That’s how tolerance gets built, through doing the next ordinary thing anyway, over and over, until your brain learns that intrusive thoughts are not emergencies.
Want to learn more about hot to support your nervous system in other ways? I wrote a post about it here.
FAQ: What Moms Ask About Intrusive Thoughts and Postpartum Anxiety
What are intrusive thoughts in motherhood?
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, distressing thoughts that pop into your mind without warning, often involving harm, sexual content, or worst-case scenarios involving your child. They’re extremely common in new and experienced mothers alike. Research is clear that having these thoughts does not reflect your character or your desires. They’re a symptom of anxiety, not evidence of who you are.
Why do intrusive thoughts keep coming back after I try to get rid of them?
Intrusive thoughts persist because of how you respond to them, not because of the thoughts themselves. Every time you analyze, seek reassurance, avoid, or try to suppress the thought, your brain learns that it was a genuine threat and tags it for more monitoring. The behaviors designed to bring relief are the same ones keeping the thoughts sticky and frequent.
Is it normal to have scary thoughts about my baby postpartum?
Yes. Studies estimate that up to 91% of new parents experience unwanted intrusive thoughts, including thoughts about harm. The presence of the thought is not the problem. What matters clinically is how much distress the thought causes and whether it’s leading to avoidance or compulsive behaviors. Those are signs that anxiety or postpartum OCD may benefit from more support.
What’s the difference between intrusive thoughts and postpartum psychosis?
With intrusive thoughts and postpartum OCD, the thoughts feel deeply unwanted and horrifying, completely against your values. With postpartum psychosis, a person may feel aligned with their thoughts, lose touch with reality, or experience hallucinations and delusions. Postpartum psychosis is a psychiatric emergency that requires immediate medical care. If you’re unsure which you’re experiencing, please contact your doctor or go to an emergency room.
What actually helps with intrusive thoughts? Is there a treatment that works?
For many moms, the biggest shift comes from simply understanding what’s happening in their brain and learning to respond differently. Things like psychoeducation, learning to sit with discomfort without acting on it, and practicing not engaging with the thought can make a significant difference on their own.
If the thoughts are more persistent or the avoidance and compulsions are significant, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is the gold-standard clinical treatment. It has strong research behind it and works by gradually reducing compulsive responses so your brain can learn the thought isn’t actually dangerous. A therapist trained in OCD and anxiety can guide you through that in a supported, structured way.
If you feel genuinely stuck, please know this is very treatable and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Can I manage intrusive thoughts on my own, or do I need a therapist?
Mild intrusive thoughts that cause manageable distress can often improve with the skills in this post: noticing the thought, not engaging with it, and continuing to act in line with your values. But if you’re in significant avoidance, ruminating for hours, or feel genuinely haunted, working with a therapist or exploring anxiety medication is the most effective path forward. This is very treatable. You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through it alone.
You don’t have to get rid of the thoughts to get your life back. You just have to stop feeding them, and that’s a skill, which means it can be learned.
If you’re looking for ongoing anxiety support from someone who actually gets it, that’s what The Anxiety Playlists is for. It’s my private podcast for moms with anxiety, a growing library of episodes you can listen to anywhere, whenever you need it. It’s there whenever you’re ready.
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