You’re supposed to be enjoying the afternoon but then all of a sudden you think of one horrific possibility after another…
Picture this: you’re relaxing in your home, it’s the weekend, and you’re watching the snow gently falling as you sip a green tea. It should be a relaxing moment—there’s nothing urgently calling for your time and attention. But it’s often in supposedly “peaceful” times like these when your mind drifts and you catch yourself in a spiral of worst-case-scenario thinking.
Like your child getting hurt. Or sick. Becoming injured. Or even dying…
This can look like a lot of things for moms. You’re supposed to be enjoying the afternoon but then all of a sudden you think of one horrific possibility after another. Your baby getting SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Or RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus). Or you wonder what will happen if your six-year-old gets in an accident while playing in the snow.
This is such a common experience in motherhood but it can be so easy to feel like it’s just you or that you’re dwelling in harmful, what-if thought patterns.
The excessive anxiety about a child getting hurt that we often feel as mothers isn’t exactly material for Instagram stories or the easiest topic to bring up at a coffee meet-up with mom friends. But it’s actually such a typical everyday experience for many mothers.
Here, I’m going to explain why we can’t stop thinking about our babies and kids getting hurt, sick, or even dying, why that’s a form of anxiety, and what to watch out for.
Anxiety about your child getting hurt: Common fears for moms
Sure, it may not be the most talked about subject and some moms might worry that they’re the only ones dealing with this. Just because it might not be commonly acknowledged though doesn’t mean that other parents aren’t having this same experience.
You might be dealing with catastrophic thinking multiple times a day or a couple times a week. And these thoughts or mini scenarios that play out in your mind could center around:
Illnesses like COVID, SIDS, RSV, leukemia, a pneumonia, appendicitis, chicken pox, or a bad case of the flu
Accidents like a child falling and breaking a limb, having to get stitches, or crashing while skiing or riding their bike
Getting hurt during everyday play like at the playground or slipping down the stairs
Coming down with less severe illnesses (like a common cold or stomach bug) at school or daycare
The specific fears that you might be focusing on are likely to change as your children get older. For example, maybe when they were a baby, you feared that they would stop breathing in their sleep. Now, you’re scared that your dare-devil nine-year-old is going to try something risky and fall.
Even though the thing that’s giving you anxiety changes, the mechanism is the same. So what’s going on?
Intrusive thoughts: What they are and how they show up
If everything in this post so far has defined your experience, you may be dealing with one or two specific categories of intrusive thoughts.
Have you heard of the term “intrusive thoughts,” before? If you’re a mom struggling with anxiety, you may have heard of this already.
Intrusive thoughts are those random, unexpected, and sometimes really horrific worries or irrational fears that pop into your mind without warning. They often relate to harm coming to your children. Even though they’re just thoughts, they can really negatively affect how a woman experiences motherhood.
Intrusive thoughts fall under four categories:
Physical injury: Sudden images pop into your head that involve your child getting hurt. This could be anything from tripping and scraping a knee to getting in a car accident.
Illness: This overlaps with health anxiety in some cases. This is the anxiety that your child will get sick, experience a major illness, or have to go to the hospital for something major.
Abuse: This is the worry that someone will abuse your kids. Oftentimes this area of intrusive thoughts focuses around sexual abuse.
Harm coming to you: As a mom and likely your childrens’ primary caregiver, you worry that something (like an accident or terminal illness) will happen to you and you won’t be able to care for your kids.
Even though intrusive thoughts exist purely in your mind, they can leave moms constantly fearing the worst or wondering if their thoughts could be premonitions. They interrupt your peace, your wellbeing, and your state of calm.
When anxiety starts to control you: What to watch for
It’s totally normal to have anxiety during motherhood or to deal with intrusive thoughts. Because you’re a mother to young, vulnerable children, you’re in a heightened state of awareness trying to catch potential threats before something harmful happens to your kids.
When we think of it this way, isn’t it easy to understand why almost all moms would experience anxiety about a child getting hurt or dealing with health mishaps?
Our anxious brains want to eliminate all of the risk and gain control in order to make sure that there’s no possible way our kids will get sick or hurt. But how realistic is that?
Part of life means getting hurt and getting sick. Everyone deals with varying degrees of injury and illness in their lifetime. Though it may be hard to sit with, you just can’t prevent it.
That isn’t to say you simply give up on normal precautions and preventive measures. Your kids still need to wear helmets, wash their hands, be careful at the playground, swim with adult supervision, etc. But the point here is that as a parent, you need to learn how to tolerate the fact that they too will get hurt. Phew, it’s hard though, isn’t it?
Parenting is about finding balance. How can you assess if you’re striking that balance… or if you’re putting too much energy into preventing the inevitable?
Ask yourself: “Am I helicopter parenting?” “Am I letting my child explore her environment and just be a kid?” “Am I stressing about horrific worst-case scenarios every so often or is this happening multiple times a day?” “How does it feel if I let go of controlling every single little thing?”
If you’re regularly imagining horrible scenarios involving your kids—like them getting hurt, sick, or even dying—you might be dealing with anxiety. If you want to learn more about how anxiety shows up in motherhood, and how to manage it, here’s a free masterclass where I teach all about it. Join here.
If you’ve ever worried about baby developmental milestones, what’s supposed to happen, when, and if your child is progressing at a normal pace…
The first few years of being a mom can be anxiety inducing and incredibly stressful. In fact, many women find it to be a stage of non-stop worrying, constantly feeling uneasy, and feeling under pressure all the time.
Anxiety about baby milestones or your infant’s development is something that really adds to the mental burden. For some women, this specific branch of anxiety even starts as early as the first weeks of pregnancy… and it can last into the toddler years. If you suspect that your anxiety about baby milestones is more than just normal mom worry, you’re in the right place. Here, I’m breaking down what anxiety about baby development is, how it shows up, what makes it worse, and where it comes from in the first place.
What does it mean to have anxiety about baby milestones?
In the first weeks, months and years of your child’s life, anxiety can be buzzing.
Your baby is learning how to do so many things independently of you. Seeing him/her sit upright, crawl, stand, walk and roll can be overwhelming for a number of reasons.
For starters, you might fear that your baby isn’t developing quickly enough. You wonder what’s supposed to happen, when, and if your child is developing at a normal pace… and whether or not they need support. That’s one of the most common ways that anxiety about infant development shows up.
There’s also the issue of perceived danger. So even if you are satisfied with the timeline of how your baby is developing (more on that later), now that she is crawling and climbing, you might notice yourself worrying that she’ll fall, put the wrong thing in her mouth, or get hurt. This looks like you assessing all potential dangers in your home, hovering too much, putting endless energy into trying to prevent accidents, or experiencing intrusive thoughts about harm coming to your child.
Why information overload and comparison don’t help
One thing that new parents should think about is the fact that information overload and comparing ourselves or our babies to others are both factors that add to our anxiety levels.
Think about all the information (parenting books, Instagram accounts, blogs, parenting professionals) that we have available in this day and age.
There’s such a thing as too much information. You can never know everything about the topic! You can’t absorb it all. In many ways, it’s great that we have more information, more knowledge and support than past generations, but the flip side of that is that we have so many more messages to parse through. That’s inherently stressful.
We also have more opportunities for self comparison. For example, a quick scroll through Instagram might have you noticing that someone else’s six-month-old baby is doing something that yours hasn’t. A look through an acquaintance’s feed might make you feel like your baby is behind because they aren’t rolling, climbing or walking like hers is.
The thing to remember here: there are no set deadlines for your baby. Allow him/her to develop in their own time and at their own pace.
Enter hustle culture
North American culture can be a competitive one. We can have a hard time unhooking from our need to hustle, do better, win, and compete. Many parents can apply that to their baby’s developmental milestones without even realizing or intending to. I say this not to bring shame or guilt, but to remind you that this school of thought is optional. And you can opt out of needing to be in the lead.
When you realize that this actually isn’t a race or contest, that can alleviate so much of the anxiety you’re struggling with.
Mothers especially are on the receiving end of so much societal pressure and double standards. You want to be the best mom, keep your baby safe, and do whatever your child needs in order for them to thrive and have the best opportunities. It’s understandable to feel that way.
At the same time, I want to give permission to unhook from these expectations if you’re hustling to the point where it’s costing you peace and time for necessary self-care.
One thing to try: simply observe your baby as she explores her surroundings. Keep an eye on her, but allow yourself to keep a distance and witness her develop rather than hustling to try to make her do anything. Remember that there’s no real deadline on crawling, standing or learning to walk and whether they do so earlier or later than other babies won’t make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.
If you do have concerns about what’s normal, or how your child is developing, then talk to your doc, or a specialist who is trained in this area to make a proper assessment. Don’t just sit with your worries, and feel like you have to become the expert yourself.
Anxiety about baby milestones: Letting go
When supporting mothers who are struggling to let go of their anxiety about baby milestones or baby development, there’s a few things that I hear time and time again. “Is this just how it feels to be a mother?”, “Will I always worry this much?” and “What if my baby isn’t developing like all the others?” These are some of the most common concerns.
One thing to keep in mind is that no, it won’t always be like this.
The first few years of your child’s life come with an immense amount of pressure because so much is happening within such a short period of time. Think about it: your baby goes from being totally dependent on you to then growing, rolling, sitting, crawling, climbing and walking. That’s hard to keep pace with. It won’t always be this stressful. Anxieties won’t always run this high. One day, your baby will surpass all the milestones that you’re currently worrying about and you’ll almost forget about the stress this once caused.
Hey mama! If you’re here, then you might be struggling with anxiety and all the ways that it’s showing up in early motherhood. Parenting a small baby is a stressful time and you may feel like that’s on you. It’s not. As an expert in the field of perinatal mental health, it’s my intention to be honest about the difficulties of this stage in motherhood… and offer the solution. Mama Calm is my self-paced anxiety course targeted towards dealing with the most common triggers of this stage of life. One month from now, you can be feeling calm, at ease and like your old self again. Imagine that!
When it comes to worrying about whether or not you’re passing your anxiety onto your kids (spoiler, you didn’t!), there are more important things to think about.
“What if I pass my anxiety onto my kids?”
If you’re an anxiety sufferer, that question has probably crossed your mind at least a few times. Anxiety lives in the future, thrives off of your worries about the unknown and it grows every time you ask yourself, “What if?”
As mothers, we see ourselves reflected in our children.
Maybe your daughter inherited your curly hair or your sense of humour. You probably see elements of your personality in your son when you notice his sensitivity towards animals or his tendency to be a social butterfly just like you. Our kids inherit so many of our traits. They also pick up many of our habits or ways of being.
This has its pros (like how your child has picked up your partner’s concern for others) but it also has its cons (like you worrying about whether or not your kiddo is unintentionally copying your anxious behaviours).
It’s natural to worry so let’s give yourself some slack right away here. If you’re prone to anxiety, worries inevitably pop up! When it comes to worrying about whether or not you’re passing your anxiety into your kids though (spoiler, it’s not that simple), there are more important things to think about.
I’m going to lay out what those are so we can take unproductive anxiety, and direct it into powerful action.
Why the blame game doesn’t work and what to do instead
When you notice yourself fretting over your child’s anxiety and whether or not it’s your fault, try to gently remind yourself that the blame game doesn’t actually undo or improve matters.
Say, for example, your child is struggling with separation anxiety as you go on vacation or your son is extra nervous when starting a new after school activity. If you were able to confirm that you did in fact pass along your anxiety, would that make matters any better? Would it change the situation that you’re dealing with in any way?
It wouldn’t.
Finding someone to blame (even if it’s yourself!) just doesn’t actually do anything productive.
So my first nudge for you is to shift your focus away from that question of “did I cause this?”
Also keep in mind that there are so many factors that contribute to anxiety. You can’t just pass your anxiety onto your child. It’s not that simple. And just because you struggle with your mood in this way, that doesn’t mean that your child automatically will as well.
Next time you are tempted to play the blame game, think about all of these factors which can contribute to a child’s anxiety. None of these are your fault!
Changes in routine or environment
The death of a loved one or pet
Difficulty in school
Trouble with friends
Physiology and genetics
Moving
Busy schedule
Having a general disposition towards anxiety
See how none of these are your fault? I can’t repeat it enough: you didn’t cause this.
What your child’s anxiety might look like
Rather than asking, “Did I pass my anxiety onto my kids?” instead ask yourself, “How can I provide support for my anxious child?”
Keep in mind that feeling nervous or on-edge from time to time is completely normal. Your child might experience some anxiety ahead of a doctor’s appointment, a trip away from home, a presentation, or the first day of school. Experiencing anxiety every so often is different from having a problem with anxiety where it’s getting in the way of his/her daily functioning. That difference is really important.
When parenting an anxious child, get curious. Is there a certain sensitivity your child experiences? Does a particular situation seem to make them feel especially nervous?
It’s also important to understand the different types of anxiety. General anxiety disorder, OCD, phobias, social anxiety, and PTSD all fall under the anxiety umbrella. As a parent, you can learn about these for the purpose of familiarizing yourself. It’s not about labelling, it’s about knowing the context. A child with OCD, for example, might create certain routines or rituals while a child with general anxiety may fret about school performance or family health. A child with a phobia has a fear that is out of proportion to the threat.
How to support yourself and your child
Always know that people lead full and amazing lives with anxiety all the time. That goes for adults and for kids. Even though you might be worried about passing your anxiety onto your child, ask yourself what is the worst that can even happen if they do struggle with this mental health issue?
Of course, no parent wants their child to suffer but the bigger picture here is that if they do deal with anxiety, there’s so much you can do in the way of support.
Start by validating their experience. Anxiety is as hard to sit with for kids as it is for adults. Let them know that there is nothing wrong with their feelings, they aren’t wrong, and that they aren’t something to dismiss. In offering support and helping regulate your little one’s anxiety, these are some other things you can do:
Learn to calm your own anxiety, so your child can learn to co-regulate
Listen to soft music
Try meditations together
Use positive and uplifting mantras
Reassure them that this feeling will pass
Intentionally direct their attention elsewhere
Reach to a counsellor to get more support
The most important thing to know about your child’s anxiety is that it’s not your fault. You didn’t cause this, you didn’t pass your anxiety onto your child, and you aren’t the reason why he or she is struggling.
There are so many factors that can cause anxiety and there are also so many things that you can do to offer support. People live full and satisfying lives despite anxiety struggles all the time. Your child will be no different!
Since you’re here learning about anxiety, coping mechanisms, and ways to better regulate and live with it, I want to tell you about my program Mama Calm. This is the self-paced course where you learn the exact techniques and tools to manage anxiety for you and your whole family. Imagine actually knowing what to do next time you’re feeling overcome with anxiety. Picture being to stop anxiety in its tracks instead of letting it spiral. Learn more here.
Sleep training is a solution for a lot of people and that’s great. However it is not the solution for every person.
Before jumping into this topic, let me just say it honestly and to-the-point: this blog post here is not intended to be a judgment or assessment of what choices you’re making as a parent. Sleep training is a controversial topic in parenting. I’m not here to convince you to do it or not do it. There’s enough of that already. You’re here because you’re stressed about sleep (yours, your baby’s, your child’s) and I don’t intend to add to that.
This isn’t a message about sleep, this is an informational article about your feelings about sleep. That’s the anxiety that manifests as a result of many days or weeks of sleep deprivation. That’s the anxiety you feel in the middle of the night as you wait for your baby to wake up. It’s also the anxiety that has your self-talk sounding like, “I’m doing this wrong,” or “If I was any good at this, my baby would be able to sleep peacefully.”
That’s the issue I want to get at: the anxiety and depression that you as a mom might be feeling as a product of sleep training and the culture that surrounds it. There’s an entire industry built around sleep training: the programs, the books, the Instagram accounts, the clinics. Sleep training is presented as the solution. But if you’re suffering and you know that your mental health is taking a dive because of it, then I want to validate that experience and let you know that it’s not the only solution. Deal?
How you know sleeping training isn’t working for you
Sleep training doesn’t always work. And it doesn’t work for every single parent, child or baby. We’re all different, right? If you’re reading this, then you might have a hunch that something is off, that this isn’t working like you thought it would, or that you’re not supposed to feel this way.
Listen to your gut. You know what’s best for you. You know when something isn’t aligned. If you relate to the thoughts above or you catch yourself thinking, “Sleep training is stressing me out!” Then you’re in the right place.
If your gut is telling you something’s off, that’s worth investigating. Here’s some signs that sleep training isn’t working for you:
You’ve become obsessed with tracking everything around sleep, scheduling naptime and bedtime and the intensity of all this is adding to your anxiety.
Your inner critic has been raging because you try programs and you either can’t stick to them or they don’t work. That makes you feel like a failure.
You wonder if you’re actually giving your baby what she needs. When she doesn’t respond to the training method of choice, you feel awful. Cue the guilt.
Nobody is sleeping anyway. You’re exhausted and it’s all adding up.
Societal messages and expectations around all of this are resulting in anxiety that’s hard to manage. You feel like a bad mom and that everyone is doing this better.
You don’t want to stick to this method of parenting but you feel like you should.
Getting curious about other issues at play
That list can be hard to digest and sit with. I get that. So, what comes up when you think about this topic? Do you feel validated? Defensive? A mix of both? Sometimes when we’re exploring things that feel difficult, the reason why they feel so difficult or triggering is because something else is at play. There’s a root that goes deeper.
With sleep training, your baby’s sleep is presented as the problem. That looks like: my baby wakes up during the night, is fussy at naptime, cries a lot, and won’t settle. We might think that something is wrong here—either that your baby is somehow “different” from others or that your abilities are falling short.
The self-talk can sound like, “My baby is keeping me up night after night and won’t settle during naptime. It’s triggering my anxiety and the sleep deprivation is making me depressed.”
But what if your baby’s sleep wasn’t actually the full problem?
What if the problem was the societal conversation around this stuff? What if the problem is that you’re unsupported in this season of parenthood and were never given the right tools and support to deal with things like sleeplessness or mood challenges in the first place?
Perhaps the problem is also that there’s a lot of misinformation circulating around infants’ sleep to begin with…
If you’re overwhelmed with sleep and want to learn how to feel more calm and relaxed about it all, then check out this program I created, Stress Less About Baby’s Sleep. Just click the image below.
Letting go
If you’ve established that this piece of motherhood (sleep training) isn’t aligned with you or your values and that it may actually be contributing to poor mental health, then the next part is to work towards letting go.
How does it feel to acknowledge that your baby’s sleep probably isn’t the entire problem? If it was, wouldn’t that part alone actually be so much easier to handle? If external pressure wasn’t a factor, if you didn’t feel like you were failing or doing something wrong, and if your inner critic wasn’t having an absolute party with this whole sleep training thing, wouldn’t that actually feel so much lighter?
So what if you could learn to let go of all of that? You’re allowed to recognize when something feels out of whack and then make a decision based on that knowledge or research further. Consider this your permission slip.
If you’re feeling a lot of stress and anxiety about your child’s sleep and want a solution outside of traditional sleep training, you’re in the right spot. Less Stress About Baby’s Sleep is my mini course that addresses some of the most common issues I hear from moms in this stage. If you’re anxious, sleep deprived and dreading both naptime and nighttime, this is the course for you.
Our hustle culture can actually reward things like perfectionism, high-functioning anxiety and even burnout. So it’s no wonder that some of us don’t even recognize this as a problem.
When you hear or read the term “high-functioning anxiety,” what comes up? Maybe you feel like high-functioning anxiety in motherhood isn’t that bad (you’re still meeting your day-to-day demands after all, right?) or that it’s even a good thing.
To be high-functioning means that you’re still appearing normal, showing up for your kids, and not dropping the ball despite feeling anxious much of the time.
That’s why many might dismiss it, allow it to go undetected, or even think it’s a good thing! That self-talk can sound like, “I don’t feel well but it’s not like I’m in bed all day. I packed the kids’ lunches, met the deadline, cooked a nutritious dinner… I’m doing well!”
Our hustle culture can actually reward things like perfectionism, high-functioning anxiety and even burnout. So it’s no wonder that some of us might internally pat ourselves on the back for being “such a perfectionist,” or “so anxious, but high functioning.”
But struggling with your mental health doesn’t feel good, does it? It doesn’t feel easy or sustainable. So let’s scrap the idea that we should be glamorizing high-functioning anxiety in motherhood and instead recognize it as a problem.
In order to do that, you may need to get honest with yourself and learn to spot the signs of this type of mental health difficulty. Here’s a few signs you or a friend may be struggling:
1. You look like you’re holding it all together—impressively so
Othersmight seem impressed or outright admire your ability to do it all, be everywhere, and hold down the show no matter the circumstances. You’re the mom who has her sh*& together. Every day. All day. Always.
But that might just be what it looks like.
On the surface, you appear to be thriving but beneath that, you may always feel like you’re barely just keeping it together day by day. Feel familiar? Been there. Remember: Just because someone (you, your strong friend, your sister in law) presents as though they have it all together, doesn’t mean that they actually do. This is how we might fail to recognize suffering.
2. You research everything related to motherhood
Are you like a walking encyclopedia of all things related to motherhood? Check in with yourself right now. Have you read all the books, all the blogs, been to the parenting experts, followed all the right parenting and nutrition accounts?
There’s such a thing as too much researching. High-functioning anxiety in motherhood often shows up as someone wanting to procure all the knowledge. While you may think that you’re just studying up to be the best mom you can possibly be, you’re actually fuelling your anxiety with information overload.
Think about it. There’s always going to be another book, a new parenting tactic, a different way of doing things. Let enough be enough and learn to let go.
3. You’re a perfectionist and tend to be hard on yourself
As mentioned earlier, society tends to reward perfectionism. We can think we just have high standards or are hard working or want the best for ourselves and our families.
The intention is great of course but there are two problems. Firstly, having unrealistically high standards often just means setting yourself up for failure.
Secondly, when you don’t live up to the sky-high expectations you set for yourself, you tend to be hard on yourself. That can look like self-critical thinking, allowing our self critic to go rogue, and tossing self acceptance out the window. That doesn’t just affect you, it impacts those around you. Is perfectionism really so great if this is the outcome?
4. You’re always on the go
You’re the mom volunteering at the field trips, you take the kids to soccer practice during the week, and your home looks like the set of a West Elm shoot. The go, go, go, lifestyle fuels anxiety because you never actually get a chance to recharge and take time for YOU!
It also sets a pace that ends up being unsustainable and often just results in burnout. What if you were to light a candle, drink some tea, watch a movie with the family, or order in for a change?
5. You look like a go-getter and struggle to say no
If the word “no” isn’t really in your vocabulary, you may be part of the large group of women who struggle with high-functioning anxiety in motherhood. Saying yes to everything means that your to-do list ends up being miles long and your plate is heaping full.
When you’re feeling anxious, you want to take things off your plate… not add to the chaos. This might be the time to reflect on why you say yes to everything and have a tendency to people please. There’s that saying, “Let it be easy,” which refers to allowing yourself space to breathe and giving yourself breaks. What can you say no to next time?
Being a perfectionist or being someone with high-functioning anxiety may be praised or even glamorized at times. It can be easy not to recognize this issue as a real problem that needs addressing because of this societal attitude.
What’s more is that those with high-functioning anxiety may appear to be doing well and therefore their issues may be dismissed, misunderstood or not seen as severe enough. Anxiety of all kinds is something that calls for additional support. Let this be a reminder that even if someone seems like they’re thriving, that may not actually be the case.
And if you’re looking for that additional support, my course Mama Calm is all about teaching moms how to get a handle on anxiety. It’s self-paced, self-directed and you get lifetime access for when life starts to feel chaotic. Learn more here.
I’m so sleep deprived and the stress around naps, bedtime, and sleep techniques is consuming me!
Sleep is a pretty big topic for those new to parenting. It’s one of the first things that comes up in parenting circles and for new moms in particular, sleep—and whether you’re getting enough of it—is one of the first things they get asked about. Sleep deprivation in moms is so common so it’s no wonder this subject comes up all the time.
This topic can be a touchy subject though when nighttime and naptime aren’t going according to plan.
You might feel exhausted, sleep deprived and plagued with anxiety as you try to finally get a game plan that’s going to work for you and your baby.
I truly believe that one of the most challenging things about parenting babies or little kids is managing the stress around sleep, the sleep deprivation, and also the pressure that society places on you and your children to somehow magically change how sleep is going.
It’s no wonder that so many new mothers are suffering from intense sleep anxiety as they worry about whether or not they’ll ever have a restful night ever again… and what the sleeplessness might be doing to the health of their baby.
Sometimes the feelings surrounding sleep are worse than the actual sleep deprivation itself. If you’re experiencing anxiety in this area, there’s support.
If you’re not sure if the anxiety needs action, below is a list of signs you may be in need of support.
1. Your worries about sleep are taking up too much mental energy
When you’re not lying awake wide-eyed and wishing you’d be able to doze off, you’re stressing about how to get better sleep so that you can operate like a functioning human being. Sleep deprivation in moms is something that can end up occupying a lot of your brain space to the point where it’s taking up all your time, then you’re probably dealing with sleep anxiety.
If your life is now full with reading about sleep techniques, researching the newest tactics, tracking your baby’s sleep constantly and trying different methods (to no avail), then this is problematic.
2. You’re experiencing information overload which adds to the stress
The experts you follow on Instagram say one thing, the article your sister sent you says another and the moms in your circle of close friends have a whole other list of things you’re “supposed” to do for a better night’s rest.
As a new mom, this information overload can be so overwhelming. Sifting through the advice (good and bad) and information (factual or not) can feel like a whole part-time job. You might be feeling overwhelmed by not knowing which advice is actually the right advice and where to even start.
Ready to learn how to let go of the stress and anxiety around your child’s sleep? Check out this resource…just click the image to learn more.
3. You dread naps and bedtime
Oof, I can totally relate to this. I remember dreading the nights and having an anxiety that would build from the late afternoon through the evenings. I felt so alone at night and as if I was in an entirely different universe all by myself where everyone except me was peacefully asleep and recharging for the new day ahead.
Anticipating another lonely sleepless night where you’re unable to get back to sleep after your baby wakes can feel awful. If even just the thought of trying to go to bed is causing distress or a sense of doom, then that’s a sign that the anxiety is more than just a regular worry. (Anxiety is often worse at night. Read why here.)
4. You’re exhausted and afraid that you’ll always feel this way
You will sleep again but in the moment that can just seem like a far-fetched idea.
When you’re in the zombielike new mom stage, the exhaustion can feel permanent. Your thoughts might jump to worrying that this is just your life now and that you’ll feel this way forever.
Remember that anxiety lives in the future so if you’re stressing about unknowns down the line (like being in this same state one, three, or five years from now), then that’s a sign that anxiety is taking over. Keep in mind though that your fears are valid. Just because it’s normal and natural for a baby to wake up all night, that doesn’t mean that it should feel natural for you as an adult to all of a sudden have to function and feel well with such little sleep.
5. You’re unable to stop obsessing about sleep quality and duration
The annoying thing about stressing about sleep (yours, your baby’s, your family’s) is that the more you think about it, worry about it, come up with ways to “fix” it, etc., the more you’re fueling the anxiety.
It might feel like you’re gaining some control over the situation but you’re actually just allowing the worry to spiral. Obsessive habits around sleep can look like: constantly tallying up the time when you and your baby are asleep, tracking and focusing too much on the stats you collect, rearranging your life to accommodate for these worries, or finding quick fixes to sleep deprivation.
6. You tried sleep training and found it stressful
Let’s call it as it is: sleep training is an industry that causes a lot of stress, fear, and unnecessary anxiety for parents. Mothers in particular are hypervigilant while their babies are young. Many corners of the sleep industry (of course not all, there are always exceptions) prey on that by taking very normal situations and building them up to be more problematic than they actually are. You might be experiencing something that’s totally normal, completely par for the course, and yet this culture has you thinking about it as a problem to be fixed. For example, you may have been led to believe that issues sleeping as a baby will lead to similar issues later in life. Or that waking during the night is bad for the baby’s brain development.
This is a culture of worry and fear. We live in a culture and society that’s focused on the individual (your career, your financial gain, your productivity, your jam-packed schedule) rather than a society the supports the family (like multi-generational families who all pitch in, or societies that prioritize mum’s responsibilities for her baby.) What I’m saying is that the system is set up for you to feel like you’re the problem. You’re not.
7. You’re anxious about how lack of sleep is affecting you and your child’s health
Hey, this is a normal and natural fear, right? Sleep is honestly so important for our health so if you’re waking up throughout the night and then operating at a very compromising capacity, it’s completely acceptable to wonder what kind of toll that might take.
Personally, I remember feeling like my personality was a watered down version of what it had been. I mean, I was operating at a fraction of what I was used to. That impacts mood and many women experience depression and anxiety during this time for that reason. So yes, the concerns are valid. With this said, health anxiety is worst-case-scenario thinking. Some illnesses can’t be prevented. It’s best to cross that bridge when (and if) you come to it rather than bringing on all this worry about something that may never even happen.
Anxiety about baby sleep is such a common experience for new parents. It may seem like you’re the only one lying awake at night or feeling as though your anxiety is getting the best of you. Truthfully though, there’s more people in the same boat as you than you know. We live in a culture that both causes fear amongst moms while simultaneously not offering the most basic systems of support. If that’s keeping you up at night, you’re not alone.
When it comes to anxiety about baby sleep, there’s normal worry and then there’s extreme stress and anxiety. If you’re just not able to move through this stage without obsessing, stressing, feeling a lingering sense of doom about sleep, you probably need some support. Stress Less About Baby Sleep is my course that helps you go from stress and frustration about sleep, to calm, patient and in the present so you can get back to enjoying this stage with your child. Learn more here.
If you’re reading my message to you, it’s because you’ve identified a challenge, and you’re hopeful that it will get better. That’s a really great start!
In my work, I primarily focus on relationship issues that arise in the perinatal period. Pregnancy and the earliest months and years of your little one’s life are both major transitions that can affect your relationship and/or sexuality in ways you hadn’t anticipated.
First off, I want prospective clients—mothers especially—to know that it’s so normal to struggle with yourself, your relationship, and your sexuality while you’re adjusting to this stage of life. If these issues haven’t been normalized by those around you, it’s not because you’re the only one dealing with them. In fact, 67% of all relationships take a hit in the first year postpartum. To add to that, about 83% of women experience sexual dysfunction in the first year postpartum. Sometimes understanding that you’re not alone alleviates some of the pressure.
The next step is to work with a professional who can provide a safe and comfortable space to work through these struggles. That’s where I come in. I’m here to validate your experience, offer empirically-based treatment, and collaborate with you so that you can feel fulfilled by your relationship and sexuality even through this major change.
I’m a mother of two toddlers myself. Both were born prematurely. I know what it’s like to experience challenging, high-risk pregnancies, difficult labours, and postpartum struggles. I get it and I know how to help! With my guidance, you’ll be able to reclaim your sexuality, your relationship and articulate your needs in regards to both.
I would like to gratefully acknowledge that land on which I live and practice is within the traditional territories W̱SÁNEĆ (Pauquachin, Tsartlip, Tsawout, Tseycum) peoples.
Message from Melissa
Hi, I’m Melissa.
Hi, I’m Melissa
It’s my honour to walk alongside people as they go through big life transitions. Fertility, pregnancy, birth and parenthood changes us indefinitely and impacts every member of a family. We navigate new terrain at every stage—from pre-pregnancy to early parenthood—and that emotional journey is both intensely joyful and immensely overwhelming (not to mention lonely!). Venturing into this uncharted territory requires the support of a village. In fact, isolation and lack of support is a leading cause of perinatal mood disorders. Having the right support is essential. It certainly was for me!
Through my own experience of struggling with miscarriages, becoming a mother, and realizing how intense those early years can be, I can attest to the transformative power of seeking professional help. I draw on my own personal experiences to create a space that is warm, empathetic, validating and constructive.
I believe in the power of connection and relationships. It takes a lot of vulnerability to seek help and to be open to growth. You are the expert of your own experience. I will meet you wherever you’re at and consider your voice every step of the way. My goal is to help you feel empowered, informed, seen and heard. I’ll provide a safe space for you to explore your thoughts and feelings so that you may develop a deeper understanding about what’s really going on and learn to manage compassionately. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to seek help and to be open to change and growth. My clients are my heroes. Depending on your needs, our work together might include learning practical tools to manage issues such as anxiety, depression, grief and loss, identity and relationships. I’m here to provide full support as you move through this healing journey.
I am grateful to live and work as an uninvited settler on the unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples, including the territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.
Message from Kate
Welcome! So glad you’re here.
Welcome! So glad you’re here!
My name is Kate. I started this counselling practice after my own challenges in motherhood made me realize that there isn’t enough support for new mums. Here’s what I know for sure: motherhood is quite likely the hardest transition you’ll ever go through. So if you’re suffering, you’re far from alone. You’re told that becoming a mom is supposed to be natural, easy, intuitive, and blissful. Oftentimes, that’s just not the case.
I also know that we all need support.
Our cultural push to be the mom-who-does-it-all is so unrealistic and causes a lot of pain. With that pressure, your own values can get lost. I’m here to help you connect to what matters most.
And lastly, I know that you don’t have to just accept the struggle. Yes, motherhood is challenging, but it’s also possible to completely transform how this experience feels. I know because I’ve done it.
Having experienced postpartum anxiety myself, I know how painful and disorienting those years can be. The hardest part for me was that I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t allow myself to be supported. That’s why I do this work today, and I’m honoured to be by your side and help you find a little more ease, self-care, and compassion.
I am grateful to be living and working as a settler on the unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples, including the territoires of the W̱SÁNEĆ (Pauquachin, Tsartlip, Tsawout, Tseycum), Lkwungen (Esquimalt, and Songhees), Malahat, Pacheedaht, Scia’new, T’Sou-ke and Traditional territory of North Saanich Bands, Hul’qumi’num.
Message from Gabriela
Hi, I’m Gabriela.
I’m happy you found us!
By searching for a counsellor, you’re already taking important steps in improving your mental health. This process happens little by little so let’s give you credit for already taking those first steps. I’d be honoured to support you through this journey.
Through my own experience, I’ve seen society place constant judgement on mothers—sometimes even before pregnancy! This is exhausting and isolating. I’ve also noticed that most of the “support” offered to moms comes in the form of unsolicited advice instead of proper mental health support. That never helps.
As someone who works in the field, I feel lucky to have had the right resources as I transitioned into motherhood. However, I still struggled with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and overwhelm. I witness that high expectations, constant comparison, guilt, and mental health struggles are all too common in motherhood. I’d like to offer my support by taking the time to explore your unique experience, provide a space where you can express yourself freely, and together, focus on concrete strategies to address your concerns. Therapy isn’t one-size-fits all so expect a plan that feels custom designed to your needs.
Motherhood comes with a lot of struggles, but it also comes with many sweet moments that make it all worthwhile. In our work, I’ll focus on supporting you through the challenges, while also celebrating the positives.
Message from Jana
Welcome! So glad you’re here.
Hi there, I’m Jana. I’m so happy you’re here!
I know what it’s like to not feel at home in your own life during early motherhood. My passion for working with mothers began when I had my first child almost eight years ago. I myself struggled greatly in the early days of motherhood and found my new shift in identity much more difficult than I had anticipated. Although I was a trained mental health professional, I felt shocked at how hard things felt, and how little support there was out there for new moms. It’s totally understandable if you’re struggling right now.
I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor here in B.C. and I have 10 years of experience working with clients struggling with a range of issues including depression, anxiety, addictions, relationships, grief and loss, trauma, sexual health, and suicide prevention. I have supervised a team of clinical counsellors since 2018 with the Boys and Girls Clubs of South Coast B.C. and have worked closely with Child and Youth Mental Health as well as the Ministry of Children and Family Development in Delta, B.C.
I am so honoured to be providing a safe space for mothers to express themselves and their struggles in a judgment-free place. This is your time to work one-on-one with a professional who has the proper tools to help you navigate your biggest pain points.In addition to working together to help clients cope with the challenges that motherhood brings, I provide mothers with the much needed support, compassion, and empathy they deserve. In our sessions, I regularly witness moms shift from feeling immense amounts of self-directed anger and guilt into self-accepting individuals equipped to calm their nervous systems.
Message from Heather
Hi, I’m Heather.
Hello, my name is Heather. I am so happy you found us! I want to let you know a little bit about my journey in parenting and therapy. I began providing individual and family therapy just over a decade ago. In the early part of this journey, I entered into parenthood myself. I thought I was impervious to the negative mental health impacts which can come with parenting. Little did I realize how much the nuanced messages (all those really unhelpful ones), began to infiltrate my wellness and ability to really experience the joyful moments. With support and hard work, I was able to carve out my own paths of joyful living.
Since this time, I have specialized in the treatment of trauma and attachment with the skills to assist with anxiety, depression, and relational challenges. I have nothing but empathy and understanding for the strength it takes to parent; whether this be planning for a child, the process of waiting for the child to arrive, or having children in your life. This can feel like such an emotional roller coaster, and all too often, the health and wellbeing of the caregiver gets lost. If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or feeling triggered, please let us know, we are here to help. I am happy to work with you on strategies to manage your physical responses, emotions, and thoughts to
increase your ability to cope with challenges and participate more in moments of joy. I want to let you know that with support, it can feel easier! I am so happy you have welcomed us to be a part of this journey and I look forward to supporting you.
Message from Sali
Hi, I’m Sali.
Hi! My name is Sali and it’s my absolute honour to support you through this part of your journey. Let’s hold space for all the parts of your experience. This includes celebrating the joys and small wins and also bringing mindfulness and compassion to everyday challenges like out-of-control anxiety and postpartum depression that drags down your spirit.
I’m passionate about tending to the wellbeing of mom, baby, and mothers to be. My aim is to help women show up both for themselves and their families in the ways that align with their top values. One in every seven women struggle during this chapter of their life. I provide a warm and supportive space so that they don’t have to suffer in silence.
My approach is based in mindfulness, acceptance and self-compassion. The tools that I teach help you to stop being at war with yourself. Our self critical thoughts and negative self talk can really compromise our experience in motherhood. At the same time, moving forward with an open heart and self-supporting mindset can make motherhood the joy it’s supposed to be.
You are not alone, and with the right support, it’s not only possible, but probable to be the kind of mom who can believe in herself, meet her emotional needs (without the guilt!), and live according to her own personal set of priorities. I know because I’ve witnessed so many women make this change..
My wish is to help you feel more at home in your mind and your body at this time.With the right tools, you can find more ease on a day-to-day basis and even make this transition a fun one. The mindfulness acceptance and compassion tools learned and applied can continue to serve you well beyond the course of therapy and into the parenting journey. Let’s work together to get curious about your needs and build on your strengths and natural wisdom. Let’s find a way to make things better.
Message from Kaitlin
Hi, I’m Kaitlin.
Welcome! So glad you’re here. My passion for perinatal support came after my own challenges becoming a mom for the second time and realizing that there aren’t enough supports for new moms or that the supports available were highly stigmatized in my area and within my social network.
Motherhood is both beautiful and chaotic; some days it is one or the other and other days it’s a blend of a beautiful disaster! If you are suffering, just know that you are far from being alone. Motherhood most often does not resemble what is portrayed on social media nor does it conform to unrealistic societal/familial expectations.
I would like to take time to explore your unique story with you and help you express yourself openly and without judgment as well as to explore your innate abilities to overcome some of the challenges you are facing.
I am a mom of two daughters, who has experienced a perinatal mood disorder myself. I have a glimpse at how difficult those days, months or years can be with intrusive thoughts and feelings of being generally “unwell”. One thing that I know for sure, that by not reaching out for help and attempting to mask my thoughts and feelings, I actually made things more difficult and prolonged than they had to be. I was uncomfortable allowing myself to be supported. And this is why I am so honored to be doing the work I am doing today and I am honored to be by your side to help, to provide compassion and a safe space to be unapologetically you.
